Boring. Or Not.

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Blank canvass

I feel so empty.
like a walking dead person. 
Too serious and uptight,
can’t even crack a joke.

I never have much to say, 
let alone anything important.
Why am I so afraid to speak up? 
I’m the boring, quiet one in every conversation.

Always out of words or can’t think of
anything to say fast enough to contribute.
Usually my voice shakes when I speak,
crack… crack… crack…
oh the horror.
Quite embarassing.
That’s what it’s like to be “boring”
with little or no personality.

Overcome

I’m going for the gold. Till the end I will fight
every demon I have ever encountered to get to
my destination of growth and prosperity.

I will no longer stand in my way.
Sealed up in my comfortable, comfortable shell,
the place I’ve called home all of my life,
making up cover stories, thinking that being
quiet, shy and reserved
will get me to where I need to be.

I am sick of standing behind the curtains;
behind the scenes,
waiting for my name to be called.
I’ve always been a doormat.
I’ve always been a nail on a wall or nailed to the floor.

I’m always at the back of the line,
in the background getting overlooked
like a forgotten painting on a lonely wall.
Severe anxiety has always got my hands
cuffed behind my back.

I hate when anxiety attacks.
I hate when I’m staring around nervously,
wringing my hands, shaking my head in confusion,
yes, no, maybe, I don’t know
being an undecided freak show
instead of being confident and outspoken.
My exterior is weak. Is that what people see?

I cannot take the back seat
a moment longer, watching my life
pass me by as I wave with hands of fear.
I’m much, much stronger than I look.
Is that the answer people seek?

Afraid to be seen,
afraid to be heard.
Afraid of total acceptance,
afraid of rejection.
Afraid of success,
afraid of failure.
Afraid to live,
afraid to die.

Afraid. Afraid. Afraid.
Of everything.
Is that living?

It’s time. Every fiber in me
says I have nothing to fear.
It is time to overcome.
It is time to start living life
as it was meant to be lived.

Captive

Everyday I wake up in fear.
Everything scares me half to death.
Anxiety and worry controls my every move.
I cannot function in the real world
like most “normal” people do.
I wish I knew how to turn off that switch
so that I can excel instead of being stuck
in an unnecessary maize.

Afraid of Death

Afraid
of what’s left in that scented room
…haunting or not…
now sprayed
with the inescapable scent of death
despised.

I cannot grasp
the idea of death;
I cannot accept
the inescapable act that’s
irreversible.

I don’t want to think about
the passing of a soul.