Mom’s Diary

I’m going to look back on all that I have written

and laugh or cry.
I might say “what was I thinking?”
or, I’ll just remember what I was thinking
and where I was when I wrote these words;

usually I can remember exactly how I was feeling and where I was at

One day I can show my children
who I hope will in turn show their children
and their children’s children will in turn show their children…

I hope my children don’t ask me
to recite any one of these poems,
I write them but I don’t memorize them –
I’ll save memorization for open mic.

It’s my diary.
and I don’t usually re-read it.
I’m usually amazed at the things I re-discover years down the road.

I write and try to forget it.

It’s Not About Me

* Disregard the repetition, I was just getting it all out into the open. If you’ve ever suffered from fear and anxiety then you know it’s a battle.

This was everything I cared about and more…

I don’t care how I look.
I don’t care if they think I’m ugly or pretty enough.
I don’t care if my eyes look like I got sucker-punched.
I don’t care if I look like I’d been sleeping or smoking weed.
I don’t care about the bumps on my face.
I don’t care about my tea stained teeth.
I don’t care if I’m thirsty and still gotta pee.
I don’t care if I’m hungry all of a sudden.
I don’t care if my breath smells good or bad.
I don’t care if my thoughts are racing.
I don’t care how tired I feel and yes, I am tired.
I don’t care how tired I look.
I don’t care how I sound to them.
I don’t care how I sound to myself, just speak up.
I don’t care about the bags under my eyes.
I don’t care about the way I pronounce my words.
I don’t care if I am not loud enough.
I don’t care if my words are not clear enough.
I don’t care if my voice is not calm.
I don’t care if my heart is racing, it does that a lot.
I don’t care if my head is hurting, migraines live here.
I don’t care if the words don’t want to come out.
I don’t care if my voice is at a whisper.
I don’t care if I’m boring or fun.
I don’t care if you are pleased with me or not.
I don’t care if you are happier than I am or just plain sad.
I don’t care if they can’t understand me.
I don’t care if I get/feel choked up.
I don’t care if I feel like speaking.
I don’t care if I’m worrying over nothing.
I don’t care if my mind keeps reverting back to old habits.
I don’t care if I feel like I’m about to faint and pass out.
I don’t care if my voice shakes.
I don’t care if my voice is weak.
I don’t care if I look like I’m about to cry.
I don’t care if I feel like crying.
I don’t care if you seem to know more than I do.
I don’t care if you speak better than I do.
I don’t care if you catch on faster than I do.
I don’t care if you have a higher job title.
I don’t care what you know, no one knows everything.
I don’t care who you know, my God is greater.
I don’t care that you are loud and love attention.
I don’t care if I’m shaking.
I don’t care if I’m scared/afraid of you though I shouldn’t be.
I don’t care if I feel sick.
I don’t care what they say.
I don’t care what they think.
I don’t care if they laugh.
I don’t care who calls my name.
I don’t care who speaks bad about me.
I don’t care if I get negative emails, phone calls or text messages.
I don’t care if I go to 100 meetings a day or none at all.
I don’t care who whispers about me.
I don’t care if they answer my questions or ignore them.
I don’t care if they think I’m dumb.
I don’t care if they think I’m stupid.
I don’t care if they think I’m smart.
I don’t care if they don’t think I understand anything.
I don’t care if I’m scared.
I don’t care how scared I feel.
I don’t care if I’m afraid.
I don’t care if they are right or wrong about me.
I don’t care if they don’t like me.
I don’t care who throws me underneath the bus.
I don’t care if I get in trouble.
I don’t care if they are unhappy with me.
I don’t care who’s upset with me.
I don’t care who likes me.
I don’t care if they think I’m crazy.
I don’t care if they act/pretend like they don’t know what I’m talking about.
I don’t care if I’m right.
I don’t care if I’m wrong.
I don’t care if they boo me.
I don’t care if they give me credit or not.
I don’t care if they recognize my efforts or not.
I don’t care if I’m their friend.
I don’t care if I’m their enemy.
I don’t care what they believe to be true or not.
I don’t care if they give me the side-eye/stink-eye.
I don’t care about their opinions.
I don’t care about the past though I appreciate it.
I don’t care that I am uncomfortable.
I don’t care that I am out of my comfort zone.
I don’t care if they don’t believe in me.
I don’t care who believes in me.
I don’t care if they think I can handle it.
I don’t care if they think I’m good enough.
I don’t care if I don’t think I can’t do it, just do it, don’t avoid the situation.
I don’t care…

But I did care…
But I did pay attention to their words.
But I did pay attention to their stares.
But I did believe that they were right about me.
But I did act the way they expected I’d react.
But I did run away from every situation.
But I did not see my own self-worth.
But I did not think I was good enough.
But I did not even like the sound of my own voice.
But I did not even love myself.
But I did not believe I deserved all the good things that were coming to me.
But I did not believe in myself.
But I did not step out of my comfort zone.
But I did care about their opinions.
But I did let them place limitations on me.
But I did make them proud when I didn’t speak up or defended myself.
But I did let whatever they said or did bother me.
But I did worry too much about how I looked/did not look, sounded/did not sound.
But I did avoid every opportunity to grow and develop.
But I did go to bed many nights and could not sleep.
But I did avoid speaking and people in general.
But I did avoid any/every situation that could’ve improved me.
But I did avoid the person staring back at me in the mirror.

I didn’t know my potential.
I forgot I had any potential.
Do/did they see my potential?
My blinders were stuck to my face.
I couldn’t see past my fears.
I was too distracted by my insecurities.

I just need to believe in myself.
I just need to silence the negative thoughts.
I just need to retrain my subconscious mind.
I just need to face my fears.
I just need to work on myself and practice, practice, practice.
I just need to brave it out and come out of my comfort zone.
I just need to stop making everything about “me, me, me”.
I just need to start serving others.
I just need to speak up and be a leader.
I just need to do it.

I will not be scared anymore.
I will not be afraid anymore.
I will not make it about me anymore.
I will not let my insecurities win.
I will not let their opinions shape my life any longer.
I will not give up no matter how many times I fail.
I will not give up no matter how many times I fall.
I will not give up no matter who thinks I will fail or win.
I will not give up no matter who believes in me or not.
I will not give up no matter who thinks I am capable or not.

I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be free.
I deserve to be loved.
I deserve to live a comfortable and fulfilling life.
I deserve to know that I am enough.
I deserve to acknowledge my own self-worth.
I deserve to see how beautiful, wonderful and amazing I am.
I deserve to reach my full potential.
I deserve to flourish out of comfort zone.
I deserve to live a calm and peaceful life.
I deserve all of the good things that are coming to me.

I am brave.
I am bold.
I am courageous.
I am kind.
I am loving.
I am caring.
I am a confident leader.
I am a great public speaker.
I am a conqueror.
I am good enough.
I am calm and at peace.
I am deserving of all good things.
I am okay with failing as long as I don’t give up.
I am equipped with the power to make positive changes.
I am ready to serve others.

I’ve made it all about me but it really isn’t.
It’s not about me.
How can I serve others?

Questions to Myself

So I asked myself these simple questions

  • What’s stopping me? Who’s standing in my way?
  • What’s the problem? Who’s the problem?
  • Don’t I deserve happiness too?
  • Who made the way I’ve become?
  • What made the way I am?
  • What can I do about the things I do not like?
  • What’s the use in complaining?
  • Am I finally ready to follow through on something?
  • Why haven’t I followed through on anything?
  • What if I fail?
  • What if I fall?
  • What if nothing changes?
  • Am I ready?
  • Will I ever be ready?
  • Do I want the change I long for?

I’ll let you know the outcome.
I’ve declared these statements many times before
but this time I’m getting to the root and asking questions.
Something tells me it’s time and I’m finally ready.

What’s Eating Me?

Fear is eating me alive – I am ready to overcome.
How do I get outside of myself to be true myself?
I don’t know who I am and have yet to realize who I’ll become.
Everything about me has been a lie.
I’ve been fooled into believing I’m not worth a thing.
I am not the fear and anxiety that’s been my whole existence.

Safe Room

You’ve been hurt
and it shows.

It’s in your eyes
and in the sound of your voice.

One just simply need to
read between the lines of those
carefully chosen careless words;
the jig is up.

It’s in your justified actions.
You don’t smoke and drink
out of habit because it’s what
the cool kids did back in your day.

You are in your safe room
still braving out your childhood trauma.
You just don’t know how
to cope no other way.

Back To Square One

I’ve turned over a new leaf.
I’m taking the time
to get to know myself;
I’m doing something
I’ve never done before.

Even before I became of age,
I was too busy thinking
I always needed to have someone
to make me feel loved and appreciated.

But my fantasy and reality
were like night and day.
I ended up feeling more isolated
than when I was alone.