Heavy Burdens

I could taste the hatred in my mouth;
I could taste the bitter despisement.
I was out to ruin myself

all because of that trauma.
I was on the road to death,
the anger and the pain was surely
going to eat me alive.

I was no use to myself.
Depression was creeping in.
My children, destined for the same
path I’d been digging my way out of.

I had to let it all go.
They deserved to live a better life.
I had to stop and park the speeding car,
carefully unloading the heavy burdens
I’d been carrying around with me
from childhood.

My children helped me through
days I did not even want to live;
they helped me realize
how much they needed a mother.
And I didn’t need to go about this alone.

I Didn’t Know Her

I used to look in the mirror
and didn’t recognize the person
staring back at me.

I didn’t know her.
I didn’t love her.
I didn’t want to be “her”.
She was not me;

I only recognized
the dead, blank look in her eyes…
all the emotions drained out of her,
just the pain and the EMPTINESS lived inside.

I could only sympathize with her.
I couldn’t even cry for her anymore.

Time To Heal

I took myself away to heal.
All communication seized.
I didn’t need the daily reminders
of why I was never good enough
for them or how I should have
handled things differently
then perhaps I would have
had a happier ending.
I needed to mute those voices
on the other line telling me
to “get over it” when no one was there
to protect me from the slaughterhouse.

I needed to be alone with myself.
To find my voice.
To remind myself to live.
I didn’t need to prove or compare
myself to anyone to feel hopeful.

Fought For My Freedom

I’ve been busy,
putting my life back together

Trying to find some solid ground
where I can feel safe.

My home was my jail cell.
I got sentenced to life

for a crime
I did not commit.

They tried so hard to imprison my mind.
I fought even harder for my freedom.

I think I turned out okay.
God had different plans for my life

greater than all of our expectations.
My story didn’t end at that kitchen table.

God, Is Already There

No surprises.
God reigns.
He’s already “there”
before you get there,
waiting patiently;

He knows every turn and
the intricate detail of any route
you could take, no surprises.
Don’t worry about anything.
All of your needs are already
taken care of.

I try to remind myself
of that every day now.

Keep Fighting

I fight those demons every day
that tells me “I’ll never be good enough.”
I can’t let them win
no matter how scared I feel.
I know I’m here for a purpose
greater than my small mind
can comprehend.
I keep fighting, I just don’t
have what it takes to surrender.

You Weren’t There

What I went through.
I went through alone.
You weren’t there.
None of you were there.

Yes, you probably
would have handled it differently,
who knows if you were there?
No mother and no father.
That was my reality.

Nobody can tell me how to feel.
They weren’t there for me.
An innocent child vs. wolves in sheep’s clothing,
that was my daily struggle.

That All Too Common Feeling

And then all of a sudden
I’m not feeling like myself.
I can’t eat.
I can’t sleep.
I can’t think.
I can’t talk.
Anxiety is one point ahead.

I’m having a hard time shaking it off
… I’m being weighed down by
this dark force that’s unexplainable.
It’s that crippling feeling
I know all too well.

I Appreciate The Struggles

I didn’t always appreciate
the difficulties I faced
growing up in a home I absolutely hated.
I was mad more than anything
at the time I was playing and replaying
those painful episodes
I did my best to forget.
I didn’t understand why
it had to be me who had to
go through the things
that have made me who I am today;
I am stronger and wiser.