Trapped Emotions

I have tons of trapped emotions
that requires constant releasing.

As I work through the negative ones,
the positive emotions must take center stage.

There have been many instances where
I’ve found peace,
been confident and courageous,
and accepted myself for who I am.

Those are the moments that are worth
remembering and repeated on a daily basis.

Mom’s Diary

I’m going to look back on all that I have written

and laugh or cry.
I might say “what was I thinking?”
or, I’ll just remember what I was thinking
and where I was when I wrote these words;

usually I can remember exactly
how I was feeling and where I was at

One day I can show my children
who I hope will in turn show their children
and their children’s children will in turn show their children…

I hope my children don’t ask me
to recite any one of these poems,
I write them but I don’t memorize them –
I’ll save memorization for open mic.

It’s my diary.
and I don’t usually re-read it.
I’m usually amazed at the things
I re-discover years down the road.

I write and try to forget it.

It’s Not About Me

* Disregard the repetition, I was just getting it all out into the open. If you’ve ever suffered from fear and anxiety then you know it’s a battle.

This was everything I cared about and more…

I don’t care how I look.
I don’t care if they think I’m ugly or pretty enough.
I don’t care if my eyes look like I got sucker-punched.
I don’t care if I look like I’d been sleeping or smoking weed.
I don’t care about the bumps on my face.
I don’t care about my tea stained teeth.
I don’t care if I’m thirsty and still gotta pee.
I don’t care if I’m hungry all of a sudden.
I don’t care if my breath smells good or bad.
I don’t care if my thoughts are racing.
I don’t care how tired I feel and yes, I am tired.
I don’t care how tired I look.
I don’t care how I sound to them.
I don’t care how I sound to myself, just speak up.
I don’t care about the bags under my eyes.
I don’t care about the way I pronounce my words.
I don’t care if I am not loud enough.
I don’t care if my words are not clear enough.
I don’t care if my voice is not calm.
I don’t care if my heart is racing, it does that a lot.
I don’t care if my head is hurting, migraines live here.
I don’t care if the words don’t want to come out.
I don’t care if my voice is at a whisper.
I don’t care if I’m boring or fun.
I don’t care if you are pleased with me or not.
I don’t care if you are happier than I am or just plain sad.
I don’t care if they can’t understand me.
I don’t care if I get/feel choked up.
I don’t care if I feel like speaking.
I don’t care if I’m worrying over nothing.
I don’t care if my mind keeps reverting back to old habits.
I don’t care if I feel like I’m about to faint and pass out.
I don’t care if my voice shakes.
I don’t care if my voice is weak.
I don’t care if I look like I’m about to cry.
I don’t care if I feel like crying.
I don’t care if you seem to know more than I do.
I don’t care if you speak better than I do.
I don’t care if you catch on faster than I do.
I don’t care if you have a higher job title.
I don’t care what you know, no one knows everything.
I don’t care who you know, my God is greater.
I don’t care that you are loud and love attention.
I don’t care if I’m shaking.
I don’t care if I’m scared/afraid of you though I shouldn’t be.
I don’t care if I feel sick.
I don’t care what they say.
I don’t care what they think.
I don’t care if they laugh.
I don’t care who calls my name.
I don’t care who speaks bad about me.
I don’t care if I get negative emails, phone calls or text messages.
I don’t care if I go to 100 meetings a day or none at all.
I don’t care who whispers about me.
I don’t care if they answer my questions or ignore them.
I don’t care if they think I’m dumb.
I don’t care if they think I’m stupid.
I don’t care if they think I’m smart.
I don’t care if they don’t think I understand anything.
I don’t care if I’m scared.
I don’t care how scared I feel.
I don’t care if I’m afraid.
I don’t care if they are right or wrong about me.
I don’t care if they don’t like me.
I don’t care who throws me underneath the bus.
I don’t care if I get in trouble.
I don’t care if they are unhappy with me.
I don’t care who’s upset with me.
I don’t care who likes me.
I don’t care if they think I’m crazy.
I don’t care if they act/pretend like they don’t know what I’m talking about.
I don’t care if I’m right.
I don’t care if I’m wrong.
I don’t care if they boo me.
I don’t care if they give me credit or not.
I don’t care if they recognize my efforts or not.
I don’t care if I’m their friend.
I don’t care if I’m their enemy.
I don’t care what they believe to be true or not.
I don’t care if they give me the side-eye/stink-eye.
I don’t care about their opinions.
I don’t care about the past though I appreciate it.
I don’t care that I am uncomfortable.
I don’t care that I am out of my comfort zone.
I don’t care if they don’t believe in me.
I don’t care who believes in me.
I don’t care if they think I can handle it.
I don’t care if they think I’m good enough.
I don’t care if I don’t think I can’t do it, just do it, don’t avoid the situation.
I don’t care…

But I did care…
But I did pay attention to their words.
But I did pay attention to their stares.
But I did believe that they were right about me.
But I did act the way they expected I’d react.
But I did run away from every situation.
But I did not see my own self-worth.
But I did not think I was good enough.
But I did not even like the sound of my own voice.
But I did not even love myself.
But I did not believe I deserved all the good things that were coming to me.
But I did not believe in myself.
But I did not step out of my comfort zone.
But I did care about their opinions.
But I did let them place limitations on me.
But I did make them proud when I didn’t speak up or defended myself.
But I did let whatever they said or did bother me.
But I did worry too much about how I looked/did not look, sounded/did not sound.
But I did avoid every opportunity to grow and develop.
But I did go to bed many nights and could not sleep.
But I did avoid speaking and people in general.
But I did avoid any/every situation that could’ve improved me.
But I did avoid the person staring back at me in the mirror.

I didn’t know my potential.
I forgot I had any potential.
Do/did they see my potential?
My blinders were stuck to my face.
I couldn’t see past my fears.
I was too distracted by my insecurities.

I just need to believe in myself.
I just need to silence the negative thoughts.
I just need to retrain my subconscious mind.
I just need to face my fears.
I just need to work on myself and practice, practice, practice.
I just need to brave it out and come out of my comfort zone.
I just need to stop making everything about “me, me, me”.
I just need to start serving others.
I just need to speak up and be a leader.
I just need to do it.

I will not be scared anymore.
I will not be afraid anymore.
I will not make it about me anymore.
I will not let my insecurities win.
I will not let their opinions shape my life any longer.
I will not give up no matter how many times I fail.
I will not give up no matter how many times I fall.
I will not give up no matter who thinks I will fail or win.
I will not give up no matter who believes in me or not.
I will not give up no matter who thinks I am capable or not.

I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be free.
I deserve to be loved.
I deserve to live a comfortable and fulfilling life.
I deserve to know that I am enough.
I deserve to acknowledge my own self-worth.
I deserve to see how beautiful, wonderful and amazing I am.
I deserve to reach my full potential.
I deserve to flourish out of comfort zone.
I deserve to live a calm and peaceful life.
I deserve all of the good things that are coming to me.

I am brave.
I am bold.
I am courageous.
I am kind.
I am loving.
I am caring.
I am a confident leader.
I am a great public speaker.
I am a conqueror.
I am good enough.
I am calm and at peace.
I am deserving of all good things.
I am okay with failing as long as I don’t give up.
I am equipped with the power to make positive changes.
I am ready to serve others.

I’ve made it all about me but it really isn’t.
It’s not about me.
How can I serve others?