Just A Glimpse

A glimpse of the past
here and there is enough for me.
I try to limit my visits,

only returning when absolutely necessary.
I don’t want to get stuck
with the pain that often accompanies
those reminder-retrieval trips
that I’ve come a long way.

Those heavy chains have a way
of lovingly reattaching themselves
to my feelings and emotions,
and I often end up going down
those same roller-coasters
that once held me hostage.

Sometimes I have to fight and hang on
by the skin of my teeth
with the past just to bring back
my mind frame into the present.

A Debilitating Mess

Anxiety keeps me quiet and stressed.
I don’t know how to process many situations,
my 12-year-old self takes over.

It keeps my voice low and shaky,
my heart racing and my palms sweating,
my face screwed up tight and my head aching like I’ve been in a fight

It keeps my throat dry and sore,
my mind running races I’ve never won,
and my thoughts doing automatic flip-flops

It’s a debilitating mess.
Maintaining a healthy mental health is a must.
Its aim is to steal, kill, and destroy.

And I cannot allow it to win;
I cannot allow my life to go to waste.
I just need to remember to keep “breathing”.

Tomorrow May Never Come

Some days will come by
and I’ll act like
it was mine to have all along.
I’ll get so busy and caught up
with everything else
that I forget to say “thank you”.

And then some days will come along
and I’ll remember without a doubt
tomorrow may never come
whether I appreciate it or not.

I’ve learned to wake up
with a grateful heart each day.
To start smelling the flowers
while they are still fresh.

Vulnerable

When necessary,
I’ll hang
my feelings and emotions
on the line to dry,
for all to see.

I’ll hang
my shame on the line
so someone else
can see
they are not alone
in their struggles.

The Shock

We often have
our lives all planned out.
It’s good to have an itinerary.
Short term goals.
Longterm goals.
There’s always something to do.

Death might come up
but it’s often chilling on the back burner.
We know it’s inevitable
so there’s no use
in beating ourselves up
about the one thing we’re certain
won’t skip over us
yet it gets us every time
we have to say goodbye
to the ones we love.

No amount of preparation
can prepare us for the shock.

Vulnerability On Display

This gift of written expression,
carefully fueled by
the pain, the hurt, and the struggles
of the past and the present.
As well as, the laughter and the joys
I often forget to include.

I may have a hard time
verbally getting my words out
but I can certainly write
without stumbling or mumbling.
Vulnerability on display.

My past battles has prepared me
for my present victory.

Smell The Flowers

We are alive and well
yet we don’t actually live.
We’re just merely existing
with our pre-planned routines
and that’s what we call living.

We walk right past
the flowers most days
without actually realizing
what life is all about.
It’s not just the flowers
that we need to pick up, smell, and appreciate.

Silencing The Other Voice

My mind is plagued
by the bold, outspoken, courageous me,
that’s all I can see.

I want so bad to overcome
that something in me
begins to fight with the sword
and I know without a doubt
it’s just a matter of time and discipline
that will determine my outcome

but then something else (another voice) in me
will try to convince me
that nothing I do
will ever make a difference
in how things have worked out,

despite my best efforts,
the burning desire
will end up fading
into the background
and I’ll have to build up
the momentum again to fight.

Carriers

It was their job to get me to the next stop.
And for that selfless act, I am very grateful.

What I realize now is everything else
after that move was up to me.

The hurt,
the pain,
the brokenness
I endured was all
a part of the package deal.
It was only meant to last for a season.
What I didn’t realize at the time
was that God wouldn’t have allowed any of the madness
if He didn’t know I could handle
the stress,
the trauma,
and the sadness.

I used to live like I deserved
the kitchen sink being thrown at me
and I’d use the hurt to feed the pain
like a migraine craving sugar,
carelessly thinking I was doing myself a favor
by burying my purpose in the ground
when I couldn’t even see the bigger picture.

After Death

Memories on replay.
Frozen faces.
Unanswered questions.
Their lives gone.
Your life in perspective.

An endless flow of tears.
You won’t forget their smiles.
They won’t be forgotten.

You remember to just breathe
while you still have
the breath within you.
Life doesn’t seem so complicated now.

R. I. P. Aunt Paula

Intimidation

I’m strong and confident in my mind,
can’t nothing or nobody break me.
But when I open my mouth,
my words come tumbling out
and my voice

breaks,
cracks,
shakes,
and bleeds

fear

producing something totally different
than what I had originally planned
to say or do.