The Mental Switch

It’s a mental thing; a mental switch goes off
in my head when verbal communication comes
into play; hours, days, weeks, or months before,
I experience a period of pure hell; I cannot sleep,
and walking on eggshells becomes the norm.
Mentally, I don’t know how to cope with
the upcoming engagement; I’m worried about
what other people may think about me
and how I don’t want to embarrass myself
in front of them; I know my voice will shake,
and it’s going to be a disaster. I can’t shake
the feeling off that I’m not good enough; I’m
a long way off from remembering my self-worth;
at that moment, I’m too stuck in my weaknesses;
my mind goes through another period of drowning.

‘Not Messing Up’

Conversations flow freely in my mind
no shortage of words, never a dull moment
I am calm and fearless, but verbally, I have
a hard time explaining myself
I overestimate everything. When it’s time
to speak, I get nervous; my mind
starts racing, anxiety sets in, my heart pounds
it’s a debilitating mess. I can’t think
straight anymore; I’m so focused on
‘not messing up,’ but still, my words
come out jumbled up, and my explanations
incomplete; I’ve transformed into a coward
what people think consumes my mind.