It’s a mental thing; a mental switch goes off
in my head when verbal communication comes
into play; hours, days, weeks, or months before,
I experience a period of pure hell; I cannot sleep,
and walking on eggshells becomes the norm.
Mentally, I don’t know how to cope with
the upcoming engagement; I’m worried about
what other people may think about me
and how I don’t want to embarrass myself
in front of them; I know my voice will shake,
and it’s going to be a disaster. I can’t shake
the feeling off that I’m not good enough; I’m
a long way off from remembering my self-worth;
at that moment, I’m too stuck in my weaknesses;
my mind goes through another period of drowning.

Conversations flow freely in my mind
no shortage of words, never a dull moment
I am calm and fearless, but verbally, I have
a hard time explaining myself
I overestimate everything. When it’s time
to speak, I get nervous; my mind
starts racing, anxiety sets in, my heart pounds
it’s a debilitating mess. I can’t think
straight anymore; I’m so focused on
‘not messing up,’ but still, my words
come out jumbled up, and my explanations
incomplete; I’ve transformed into a coward
what people think consumes my mind.

I’m not running solo; I’ve got help
every step of the way; God’s got my back
night and day; there’s always
one set of footprints in the sand.

I’m thinking about many things; family is at
the top of the list; outside of my immediate
family, there are only a handful of people
I can call on for help; they say
it takes a village to raise a child.

I’m always on the edge of my seat
fighting sleep, living at a disadvantage
damaging my body, deprived
my mental health suffers, frequently on the go
busy mind, but I’m not running solo.

The more money you have, the more
opportunities you have presented to you
on a platter. The less you have, the more
others look down on you for not being born
with a silver spoon in your mouth
—it’s an equal-opportunity world.

I’ve never enjoyed gossiping; there’s something
about this form of entertainment
that doesn’t feel right; well, it’s just plain wrong
to paint another person in a negative light.