Heavy Burdens

I could taste the bitterness in my mouth.
I was out to defeat myself
all because of the adolescent trauma.

I was on the highway to destruction,
the resentment and the torment was surely
going to devour me alive.
I was of no advantage to myself.

Depression was creeping in.
My children, destined for the very path
I’d been shoveling my way out of
caused me to let it all go.
They deserved to live a more enjoyable life.
I had to stop and park the speeding car,
deliberately unloading the heavy burdens
I’d been transporting.

My children pulled me through
the days I did not even want to live;
they helped me recognize
how much they required a selfless mother.
And I didn’t need to go about this alone.

I Didn’t Know Her

I used to look in the mirror and didn’t
recognize the personality staring back at me.
I didn’t know her. I didn’t love her.
I didn’t want to be “her.”
She was not me; I WAS NOT THAT CHARACTER!

I only identified with the deceased,
vacant expression in her eyes;
all the emotions drained out,
just the pain and the EMPTINESS remained inside.

I could only sympathize with her.
I couldn’t even weep for her anymore.

Time To Heal

I took myself away to recuperate.
All communication seized.
I didn’t need the daily reminders
of why I was never good enough
for them or how I should have
managed things differently
then perhaps I would have had a happier life.

I needed to mute those voices
on the other line telling me
to “get over it” when no one was there
to protect me from the slaughterhouse.

I needed alone time with myself,
to uncover my voice, to encourage myself to live.
I didn’t need to confirm or compare
myself to anyone to feel good about myself.
But I still tried to validate my worth with their opinions.

Fought For My Freedom

I’ve been diligently putting my life back together,
attempting to find some stable ground
where I can feel vindicated from my past.
My home was a dungeon,
I got sentenced to life
for a crime, I did not commit.

My family tried vigorously to imprison my mind.
I labored even harder for my independence.
I believe I turned out okay.
God’s original intentions for me
triumphed their despicable expectations.
My story didn’t end at that kitchen table.

God, Is Already There

No surprises. God reigns.
He’s already there before you arrive at your destination,
He’s waiting patiently and knows every turn and
the intricate details of any route
you could take.
Don’t worry about anything.
All of your needs are taken care of for you.

I try to remind myself
of that every day now.

Keep Fighting

I battle those demons every day
that tells me, “I’ll never be good enough.”
I can’t allow them to succeed,
no matter how frightened I react.
I understand I’m here for a purpose
more powerful than my fragile mind can grasp.

I keep persisting; I don’t
have what it takes to surrender.

You Weren’t There

What I journeyed through in that house on Sherman Street,
I progressed through alone.
You weren’t present at my hearing;
None of you were in that courtroom.

Yes, you apparently would have
handled things differently,
who knows if you were around!
No mommy and daddy, that was my reality.

Nobody can tell me how to react.
My family was not around; that much is accurate.
Me -an innocent child vs. wolves in sheep’s clothing,
that nightmare became my daily struggle

That All Too Common Feeling

And then suddenly, I do not appear as myself is.
I can’t eat or sleep
I can’t fully concentrate on anything or communicate
with others about my breakdown.
Anxiety is one step ahead.

I’m having the most grueling time shaking it off,
burdened by this angry force that’s unexplainable.
It’s that crippling feeling I know all too well.

I Appreciate The Struggles

I didn’t always appreciate the difficulties I encountered
growing up in a home, I despised.
I administered more anger than anything at the time
playing and replaying those uncomfortable episodes,
I did my best to forget. I didn’t understand why
it had to be me who had to go through the terrible struggles
that have unequivocally made me who I am today;
I am more confident and more knowledgeable than I appear.