(I tried To Change Myself) For the Wrong Reasons

For years, I tried to change myself
to fit in with the demands of others.
I adjusted my attitude;
I tried to be less uptight and more outgoing.
I just tried to let loose
And be as careless as could be.

I wanted to have (more) friends.
Something I don’t really see the value in now.
I wanted to live the good life.
I partied for a while and went wild.
I just wanted to blend in
And not feel so out of place.
I tried to be as perfect as could be.

Others seemed embarrassed to associate with me at times.
They wanted me to be cool and blend in everywhere. 
I tried.
They tried.
Nothing good came out of it.
That kind of mentality is damaging.
Can take a lifetime to recover from.

Still sometimes, I think about
going that crazy route again
When I feel feel sorry for myself.
It happens from time to time.
And I think to myself for the millionth time:

What if I talked more.
Held longer conversations.
Or said hi to everyone around me.

Maybe I’d get more phone calls and texts.
Maybe I’d have (more) friends.
Maybe I’d be better received as a real person
Instead of being labeled
“introverted”
“awkward”
“weird”
Reserved”
“quiet”

(since these labels are unique to me,
I’m happy things didn’t work out with those folks
Because this is who I am,
How I am and will always be
)

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