Secrets: Out Into The Light

From the age of 12,
my life became a nightmare.
I lived with family who treated me unfairly.
My self-esteem was low and I didn’t love myself.
Everything about me felt like a mistake.
There were days when I didn’t want to live.
I wasn’t brave enough to kill myself.
Days when I wanted to run away.
I didn’t understand why they couldn’t love me.
I didn’t understand why they blamed me for everything.
I didn’t understand why my life was so hard.

When I was 17,
I slept with a married man with children.
It lasted for a few years.
Somewhere in my mind,
I didn’t process that it was wrong.
I was just happy to get away from home.
And my father was never around
so I always ended up finding comfort in the arms of older men.

In college, I slept with guys
just to feel wanted and needed.
My family pretty much abandoned me,
they stressed me out whenever they called.
In no time, I become extremely depressed and suicidal.
I couldn’t concentrate, I got kicked out of school.

At the age of 22,
I became pregnant with my first child.
Out of wedlock,
I didn’t think I was ready to be a bride.
Although, I was happy to have my own little family;
some level of love and security I finally got to experience.

But it was a nightmare from the very beginning.
We argued every day.
Ignored the warning signs
that told me he was no good.
I choose to endure instead of moving back home
to live with family who told me to get out
of their house every chance they could.

He couldn’t keep a job and every month was a struggle
to pay the rent to the point where we had no place to live.
I ended up moving back in with family.
The same family who told me to get out.
Within 6 months, I was told to get the steppin’.
But that’s another story.

A few years later,
I repeated the same cycle.
Another child out-of-wedlock.
And was caught up in a battle for my life.
Threats everyday. Just total misery.

I had to work 70-77 hours a week just to make ends meet
because he found every excuse not to work.
It was the absolute worst relationship I had ever experienced
and that was my first relationship.
Everyday I feared for my life and my children’s.
I wasn’t strong enough to walk away.

Somewhere in that mess,
I got involved with another man.
Then married the no-good man (that’s another story)
and became pregnant again.
Who’s baby it was, I did not know.
I was willingly sleeping with my lover
while being forced at home to have sex with a man I didn’t love.

Abortion seemed like the only option.
Choose to have the baby or I’d get murdered.
I chose abortion and have lived to regret that decision everyday.
Eventually, I was strong enough to walk away.
Although, it wasn’t physical abuse,
I endured many emotional abuses.

I ended up moving to another state.
Became homeless (eviction) within 3 months of moving.
And got my car repossessed (that was later down the road).
For 5 months, I had no job and no place to live.
There was not one family member I could call on.
Lived in my car, shelters, and motels
until God blessed me with a job and a place to live.
And money came just in time for me to get my car back.

It was truly by the grace and mercy of God.
Somehow, we always had food and money to survive.
Some days were harder than others
and we didn’t have enough to eat but we did eat.
We were never dirty and the kids were still happy.
No one knew. Except for a few strangers.
No one would believe me if they knew anyway.
That’s how good God has been to us.

Today, I am a single parent.
All of our needs are met.
And I am the happiest I have ever been.
Suicide and depression have faded into the background.
I have God in my life again.
I remembered Him from my younger days.
And He has helped me in tremendous ways.
Just truly blessed beyond measure.

Those are all the secrets in my dungeon.
They are now exposed
and I am no longer scared about who knows what.
It is a relief to clean out my closet.

I don’t hold anything against anyone (anymore).
For years, I battled with forgiveness.
I used to blame others for my downfall
but I have been holding myself fully accountable for my actions.
Can’t downplay the roles I’ve played.
Forgiveness and love
have played an important role in the healing process.

Everything up to this point is in the past.
There’s only moving forward from here.
I have God on my side and that’s the most important reward.
Even when I didn’t remember Him,
He remembered me and brought me out of the pits of hell.

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