Poetry On A Roll

I write for me.
Though I’m hoping my candor will help you
get to the next chapter in your life.
By choice, I open my heart to your wounded soul.

God knows the trials and tribulations I’ve faced,
it has not been easy
exposing my soul to the world.

You’ve felt my insecurities.
Journeyed with me on the back-and-forth
fist-fights with fear and anxiety
and all the issues life dishes out under one roof.
Yet, my life story in all of its glory
cannot compete with the knowledge found in the Bible.

I write for me.
Though I’m hoping my candor will help you
get to the next chapter in your life.
By choice, I open my heart to your wounded soul.

Behind the shadows
of other people’s thoughts,
I hid behind
my greatness.

I’d tell myself
“I didn’t like the spotlight,”
hiding behind the scenes,
I felt comfortable.
I had nothing to lose
except for my comfort zone.
It’d take a lot for me to give that up.

I’d go to meetings,
so nervous, I’d be sick.
The play going on in my head
of what other people
thought of me, constantly on replay
was ruining my life.
I didn’t know how to stop it.

And for the days leading up to these meetings,
I’d be jumpy,
couldn’t sleep,
couldn’t think straight
… just a mess
and on the day of the meeting,
I’d tremble in my seat, couldn’t speak
… they had their titles for a reason,
they knew more than I did,
that was my conclusion.
I was where I was for a reason,
always trailing behind the perception of other people’s reality;
I didn’t see myself
outside of
the labels I accepted as my personality.

My ideas,
I wanted everyone to like,
I’d end up keeping them to myself,
fearing their almost certain rejection
if I dared open my mouth
to “challenge” authority
or at least that’s how I saw it;
it was safer that way.
Constantly telling myself “no, I could not do it”;
dismissing my own skills as “not good enough”
while exemplifying other people’s efforts.

I held conversations in my head
of how I thought people would react
if I said or did
this or that.
Consistently holding back my voice,
fearfully agreeing with other people’s opinions,
not wanting to disrupt the peace.

I lived for the high I’d get
if someone liked my hair
or some other outside appearance
(or the few times an idea I had made its way into the limelight)
… they’d only get to see the best result
after many failed attempts,
at my displayed “perfection.”

I worried myself sick
about things that did not concern me.
I’ve done plenty of damage to my self-esteem.
Self-doubt ran rampage in every area of my life.
My unique personality became a backseat rider.

I didn’t know how to approve of myself;
I obsessed over what
other people thought of me.
I was surely fading away,
my dreams didn’t even want to hang around.

This little “safety” bubble of mine,
It’s been my little comfort zone.

All cozy and all,
just what I’ve needed to keep me warm
from the cold, cold world outside.
Those were the days of not growing!

Now my comfort zone is becoming uncomfortable.
I’m poking little holes in it daily,
slowly deflating its deception.

I rise.
And I fall.
But I don’t stay down for long.
Life continues.
And so should I.

 

I’ve always gone above the call of duty.
Treating others better than I treat myself.
It’s just who I am.
My 9-5 is no different.
I do my best every single day.
I’ll rest when I am done.
That’s just how I flow.
I appreciate every opportunity to learn and grow.
I see the bigger picture.

What people say about you out loud.
What people think about you in their heads.
Has nothing to do with you.

Get it out of your system that you are not enough.
You are quite unique.
And you’ve got special skills and abilities
Not one person on this planet
will ever be able to duplicate exactly.

Try as they may,
It will be all in vain
For you’ve got the number one spot
No one else can ever take from you.
It’s yours if you want it.

Continue to be you.
Unique and all with a few extra perks.
Don’t worry about those naysayers.
Go out and conquer the world.

You’ll never please them anyway,
No matter how hard you try.
It’s a battle you’ll never be able to win.
You were born for a purpose.

And then I seem to forget
what I’m really after.
My mind gets stuck on
“what they must think”
That worry terrorizes me.
Everything I’ve been learning
in the moment of fear
gets thrown out the window.
My voice shakes.
There’s that fright in my eyes.
That weak exterior.

At that point, I’m no longer
keeping my promises to myself
Of facing every opportunity with confidence.
Every word I speak must always fill the room.
My journey is not about pleasing others.
They’re on a journey of their own.
God’s opinion of me is the only one that counts.

Be great.
That’s your fate.
Ignore the “victim” bait.
Make no more excuses.

Unique,
that’s you.
You shouldn’t want to be a duplicate
of someone else’s shadow.

You owe it to yourself
to be great.
Develop your skills.
Create your own winning streak.

Learn to keep
your own promises to yourself.
It’ll do wonders
for your transformation.

Hard work and discipline,
you’ll need plenty of that.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Your biggest opponent will be your mind.

I’m slowly wiggling my way
out of my stifling headspace.
My comfort zone is feeling uncomfortable.
As it should be, I’m blossoming.
I’m fulfilling my unique purpose,
hand-crafted just for me.

I believe God
has planted in each of us A DREAM.

It is up to us to find it.
And it is up to us to use it
when we find it.

What we do with it is totally up to us.
Use it or waste it.
Either way, you have decided.

My grandparents started from scratch.
My parents received the same deal.
I, too, started from the bottom up.
I don’t want that for my children,
they’ll have a legacy to carry on
for generations to come when I get through.

I could taste the hatred in my mouth;
I could taste the bitter despisement.
I was out to ruin myself

all because of that trauma.
I was on the road to death,
the anger and the pain was surely
going to eat me alive.

I was no use to myself.
Depression was creeping in.
My children, destined for the same
path I’d been digging my way out of.

I had to let it all go.
They deserved to live a better life.
I had to stop and park the speeding car,
carefully unloading the heavy burdens
I’d been carrying around with me
from childhood.

My children helped me through
days I did not even want to live;
they helped me realize
how much they needed a mother.
And I didn’t need to go about this alone.